More about Fish

"Fish will be the last to discover water. "

That's not exactly how Einstein put it, but that's how we like to say it around here.

If you're not one who waxes allegorical, let me explain. Each of us swims in a personal soup that is invisible to us. The soup consists of all the blind spots that cause us to make the same mistakes over and over. Ironically, other people can easily see the blind spots that we cannot.

Discovering water is probably the most difficult and challenging task of existence. Separating ourselves from our water is frightening because it feels so much a part of us. But until we see the water, we can't see the world of new possibilities that opens up.

Discovering water can come about in many ways, such as:

• a crisis or traumatic event shakes you loose from all your previous assumptions about life
  
• while reading a book, some idea strikes you so hard that it dislodges you from your usual ways of thinking
• you ask someone you trust to help you see what you yourself cannot see

An example. A mother is in my office complaining about her teenager. She's frustrated that all her efforts to be a good mother seem to be having no effect. What she can't see is this: it's not what she's doing that's sabotaging her results, it's that she's doing it at all. She's doing the work that her child needs to be doing.

Another example. A woman is asking me for the twentieth time, "What is it that I do that make my husband lash out at me like that?" I say, "He's got an anger problem. It really doesn't seem to matter what you do!"


I used to have a water garden containing brightly colored koi. One day, glancing out from my kitchen window, I was horrified to see one of the fish flopping around on the grass. Fortunately, I was able to rescue it and return it alive and safe to the pond.

Now that's a fish who has discovered water!

Copyright starfishdoc 2008

If you like my fishy stories, don't miss this one.

Pipes and Haircuts

Supposedly Warren Buffet once said: "Never ask your barber if you need a haircut." You can apply this advice to surgeons, dentists, and auto mechanics, too: all professionals tend to see their work as necessary, whether we agree or not.

Considering this, I asked myself this question:

"If you came to me and asked me if I thought you "needed" therapy, what would I say?"

Let's start with the word "need." There are three categories: Desperate Need, Pressing Need, and Maintenance.

First, Desperate Need. If you were in this category, you'd have a diagnosable mental disorder causing great suffering to you or to the people you love. Less than twenty percent of the people I work with fall into this category.

Pressing Need. People who have no diagnosable mental illness (but life is throwing them some curves) fall into this category. Maybe your relationship has soured, you're unhappy at work, or you've lost a loved one. Talking to an objective, trained person can help you find new ways of looking at your situation and open up new pathways. This category represents the bulk of my practice.

Finally, Maintenance. This category is for those who have no current problem but who are determined to live life in top mental/emotional shape. It is analogous to good car care. If you want to keep your vehicle running smoothly and extend its years of road worthiness, you rotate the tires and change the oil regularly.

Maintenance:

• gives you the chance to routinely reflect on your own life.
• provides you with the opportunity to see and try new approaches to life.
• strengthens your ability to know and say what's on your mind.
  
• enables you to identify and change aspects of yourself that have been holding you back.
  
• helps you to anticipate trouble ahead, and deal with it more effectively.

Unfortunately, very few people recognize the value of Maintenance. I'm hoping to change that.

In my absolute favorite movie, Moonstruck, Vincent Gardenia plays Cher's father and a successful plumber. In talking to a yuppie couple about the repairs needed in their bathroom, he says:

"There are three kinds of pipe. There's the kind you've got, which is garbage...and you can see where that's gotten you.
Then there's bronze, which is very good...until something goes wrong...and something always goes wrong.
And then there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money...it costs money, because it saves money!"

So, if you asked me if you need therapy, I would say "yes." And furthermore I'd suggest you go for the copper pipes.

Copyright 2008 starfishdoc

PS If you would like more information about Maintenance for yourself, contact me at the email address listed in my profile.