I just had one of those Really Big Birthdays. You know, the kind that ends in a Zero. (Sorry, you'll have to do the math.)
I kept it pretty much a secret, because as an introvert, the last thing I wanted was a party. And a surprise party would be the worst.
No, what I wanted was a quiet time doing my favorite things with close friends. And I got what I asked for.
My two best friends drove five hours to spend the weekend with us. We spent most of our time settin' on the front porch solving the world's problems as well as our own. One of the things that makes us best friends is we don't mind listening to stories over again that we've told each other before. (Is that helping you with the math?)
We also had a wonderful dinner at a local bistro where we know the owners by name and they treat us like family. We toasted the occasion many, many times!
And the weekend was not without its excitement. After dinner we had to do catch and release on a bat that was performing acrobatics in our living room.
So what's this post really about? Two things. Really Big Birthdays and Introversion. And how the two go together.
When I was about eight months pregnant with my second child, I told my family that I absolutely did not want a baby shower. Despite their attempts to heed my request, one friend insisted. Worst of all, it was a surprise shower.
Introverts hate surprises. Introverts hate being in the limelight. I mean, really hate it, as in rather spend the day cleaning toilets.
Imagine my misery walking into a room full of people shouting "surprise!" and focusing all their attention on me! And I was in fact not surprised.
That's another thing about introverts. We are keen observers who rarely miss the subtle cues around us, such as someone talking a little too softly on the phone. So, I was not only miserable about going to the party, but now I felt the obligation to act surprised so my friend wouldn't be disappointed.
So, thanks to those who honored my desire for a quiet birthday, especially those who wanted to throw me a party but knew better. What finer gift than to be accepted and understood? What could feel more like love?
Moral of the story: if you want to help someone celebrate a special occasion, stop and walk around in their loafers. Especially if they are introverts. Help them celebrate in the way they would most desire it, not the way you think it should be done. They'll really be grateful.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Bulb-Changing by Proxy
I had been seeing this teenager weekly for a few months, and frankly, we were getting nowhere. (Teenagers can be ornery when they are forced to get counseling.) Her parents and I agreed there were things she needed to change. As far as she was concerned, she was fine as is.
Then she announced she wasn't going to come anymore. So I asked her what she would do if her parents insisted. She said, "I'll just come and sit here for an hour and not say a word."
Every therapist gets the silent treatment sometimes. In fact, we call it the dental interview because it feels like pulling teeth. But this kid was planning to make a career out of it.
So I told her parents I wasn't going to see her anymore. Naturally, they were disappointed: they still had a difficult teenager on their hands.
So I suggested to them that the three of us meet without her, which we did. As a result, a miracle happened. She got better.
How could this be, you ask? Well, knowing that your parents are going off to discuss you once a week may make your ears burn. But I believe that it was the parents who needed to change in order to set things right with their daughter. They needed new parenting skills to increase their competence as parents and assert a more powerful influence over her.
This is basic systems theory. If one part of the family system changes (namely the parents), it forces a reaction in another part of the system (the adolescent). Moral of the story: If one part of the system resists change, work with the part that is open to it.
This approach is not limited to adolescents. It works for any relationship - spouse, friend, employer. If the problem person refuses to seek help, the person who is stuck with the fallout should. Just by learning new ways to relate to the problematic person, you can cause changes to occur.
There's the old joke that goes, "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change." Not true. Lots of great changes occur as a result of bulb-changing by proxy.
So if you are living with a lightbulb that won't change, make an appointment for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Just be prepared to do some of your own changing.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Then she announced she wasn't going to come anymore. So I asked her what she would do if her parents insisted. She said, "I'll just come and sit here for an hour and not say a word."
Every therapist gets the silent treatment sometimes. In fact, we call it the dental interview because it feels like pulling teeth. But this kid was planning to make a career out of it.
So I told her parents I wasn't going to see her anymore. Naturally, they were disappointed: they still had a difficult teenager on their hands.
So I suggested to them that the three of us meet without her, which we did. As a result, a miracle happened. She got better.
How could this be, you ask? Well, knowing that your parents are going off to discuss you once a week may make your ears burn. But I believe that it was the parents who needed to change in order to set things right with their daughter. They needed new parenting skills to increase their competence as parents and assert a more powerful influence over her.
This is basic systems theory. If one part of the family system changes (namely the parents), it forces a reaction in another part of the system (the adolescent). Moral of the story: If one part of the system resists change, work with the part that is open to it.
This approach is not limited to adolescents. It works for any relationship - spouse, friend, employer. If the problem person refuses to seek help, the person who is stuck with the fallout should. Just by learning new ways to relate to the problematic person, you can cause changes to occur.
There's the old joke that goes, "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change." Not true. Lots of great changes occur as a result of bulb-changing by proxy.
So if you are living with a lightbulb that won't change, make an appointment for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Just be prepared to do some of your own changing.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Monday, August 20, 2007
Waiting for Black Trumpets
About 20 of us sat under a tent that beautiful September morning. The scene was the Common Ground Fair, Maine's most popular annual event celebrating organic farming. We were there to learn about foraging for mushrooms.
The teacher passed around samples of the ten most desirable edible mushrooms native to this area. There was one he could not show us because it had eluded him for ten years. It was the black trumpet. Nevertheless, his enthusiasm for hunting wild mushrooms was so contagious that I began my career as a forager the very next day.
The woods were loaded with mushrooms of every size and shape. Being new at this, I took my time and followed all the directions for accurate identification. I couldn't have imagined that on my very first day foraging, I would stumble on a sizable patch of black trumpets.
Every year since, I return to the same spot, hoping the black trumpets will appear. Last year, they arrived in mid-June. This year, I have been out looking for them at least once a week since Memorial Day. I had just about give up hope. But yesterday, there they were, covering a patch of ground about ten feet square. The earth once more yielding her abundance.
Whether the crop is wild or planted, there is something besides abundance to learn from a harvest. And that is patience. Nature evolves in its own time, not on our schedule. And what applies to mushrooms or potatoes, also applies to people. We tend to want the people in our lives to change in the direction and at the speed we dictate. But the harder we try to make that happen, the less it is likely to occur.
All things in nature, people especially, grow at their own pace and in their own direction. The black trumpets, looking like ribbons of dark chocolate, arrived splendidly, not according to my expectations but by their own clock.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A Loss of Innocence
I just finished listening to a friend's tragic story of being fired after someone made a spurious and false accusation of wrongdoing against her. The details of her story are not mine to tell. Nor are they important to this piece, which is about what happens to the life of an innocent person who has been unjustly accused.
Here are just a few of the damaging and long term effects. The psychological impact includes despair, self-doubt, ruminations, withdrawal, shame and embarrassment. Physical manifestations include sleeplessness, loss of appetite, deterioration in self-care, loss of concentration, and other health changes, like elevated blood pressure. There are social changes too. People start treating you differently. You begin to notice them withdrawing as if you were contagious. People avoid you out of a suspicion that the allegations may be true. The quality of previously healthy relationships turns sour. The social institutions assigned to investigate such allegations, in their attempt to remain impartial, treat you no differently than someone who is guilty.
Worst of all, I think, is leading a double life. By that I mean having this catastrophic experience going on inside while you try to pretend that everything is fine on the outside. The answer to the simple question, "How are you?" becomes a lie, "I'm fine." And the wheels of justice take so long. The time between accusation and exoneration is months, even years. And by the time exoneration comes, all the damage described above is done. Your reputation, your finances, your well-being, all compromised.
I wish there were a way to stop accusers from making false claims so easily, because once an accusation is out it has a life of its own. And let's be honest. When we hear an accusation about someone else, we may say "innocent until proven guilty," but secretly we may feel, "where there's smoke there's fire."
I have heard stories like this many times, because a therapist's office is one of the safe places to talk about such things. You have no idea how many people are carrying around stories of false accusations, but are too ashamed to tell. This experience is so serious, and, I believe, so widespread, that I thought it deserved a name. I'm calling it, "post-traumatic sucker-punch syndrome." I know my friend will never be quite the same.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Here are just a few of the damaging and long term effects. The psychological impact includes despair, self-doubt, ruminations, withdrawal, shame and embarrassment. Physical manifestations include sleeplessness, loss of appetite, deterioration in self-care, loss of concentration, and other health changes, like elevated blood pressure. There are social changes too. People start treating you differently. You begin to notice them withdrawing as if you were contagious. People avoid you out of a suspicion that the allegations may be true. The quality of previously healthy relationships turns sour. The social institutions assigned to investigate such allegations, in their attempt to remain impartial, treat you no differently than someone who is guilty.
Worst of all, I think, is leading a double life. By that I mean having this catastrophic experience going on inside while you try to pretend that everything is fine on the outside. The answer to the simple question, "How are you?" becomes a lie, "I'm fine." And the wheels of justice take so long. The time between accusation and exoneration is months, even years. And by the time exoneration comes, all the damage described above is done. Your reputation, your finances, your well-being, all compromised.
I wish there were a way to stop accusers from making false claims so easily, because once an accusation is out it has a life of its own. And let's be honest. When we hear an accusation about someone else, we may say "innocent until proven guilty," but secretly we may feel, "where there's smoke there's fire."
I have heard stories like this many times, because a therapist's office is one of the safe places to talk about such things. You have no idea how many people are carrying around stories of false accusations, but are too ashamed to tell. This experience is so serious, and, I believe, so widespread, that I thought it deserved a name. I'm calling it, "post-traumatic sucker-punch syndrome." I know my friend will never be quite the same.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
How to Find the Right Therapist
When I asked people to suggest topics for my blog, "How to Find the Right Therapist" topped the list. Having been on the search end once myself, I know that finding a good therapist feels like a crap shoot.
The stigma surrounding the need for help is probably the greatest obstacle to the search. (You know, the one that says if you need a therapist you must be crazy.) If the stigma were not there, you'd do the same thing you do when you're looking for a good place to buy shoes, or a good hairdresser: you'd ask some friends for recommendations.
But since asking friends is still somewhat taboo, and our friends often do not tell us they have been in therapy to begin with, here are some guidelines you can use when the time comes.
1. Understand that the quality of the relationship between you and the therapist is the most significant predictor of a successful outcome.
You want to find someone who puts you at ease. If the therapist feels comfortable in her own skin, she is going to make you feel comfortable in yours. Credentials are important, but all the credentials in the world are not going to lead to resolution of your problems if you do not feel safe.
2. Be a smart consumer.
Most folks don't realize that shopping for a therapist has many things in common with shopping for a new car. You need to do your research. You need to make comparisons. Get the names of at least three therapists. Take them out for a test drive by spending at least fifteen minutes talking to each of them by phone, instant messaging or email exchange. Pick the one who was easiest to talk to.
3. Do not let insurance companies dictate your choices.
If you start your search for therapists with your insurance company's list of participating providers, you may be limiting your choices. Many experienced therapists do not accept insurance (that includes me), because insurance companies do not pay us well. And here's a secret insurance companies are not eager to tell you: many policies require the company to reimburse you for payments you make to a qualified professional who is outside the network. So I suggest starting your search with the yellow pages or the web. You can get a good initial sense of the values and credentials of the therapist by seeing how they advertise.
4. Take the therapist's level of experience seriously. This work is complicated and takes many years to learn to do well. (I for one believe I have just hit my stride!) You need not rule out younger therapists (we all have to start somewhere), but you do have the right to ask how long they have been in practice, how much experience they have had with your particular problem, and if they consult regularly with a more experienced therapist.
5. Think about your needs.
What are the qualities in another person that you respond to best? Someone who gives you practical suggestions? Someone who is a good listener? Spend some time thinking about the qualities that work for you, and look for those in the therapist.
6. Consider the best format. It used to be that face-to-face therapy was the only format available. Today, you can choose other formats like telephone, instant messaging, video conferencing, and email. With face-to-face, your choices are limited by geography. But if you are willing to try one of the other formats, the sky's the limit. You can do an online search for therapists and find someone hundreds of mile away who's just the right match. Telephone and IM have some advantages over face-to-face. For one, you can do this from the comfort of home and don't have to dress for the occasion. Many of my telephone clients like the opportunity to take notes, while sitting in their favorite chair with a cup of tea.
Well, I know this is only a start. Let me know if this information is helpful, and if you would like me to go into more detail about some of these points. If you have tips to add or would like to share how you found your therapist, please comment.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
The stigma surrounding the need for help is probably the greatest obstacle to the search. (You know, the one that says if you need a therapist you must be crazy.) If the stigma were not there, you'd do the same thing you do when you're looking for a good place to buy shoes, or a good hairdresser: you'd ask some friends for recommendations.
But since asking friends is still somewhat taboo, and our friends often do not tell us they have been in therapy to begin with, here are some guidelines you can use when the time comes.
1. Understand that the quality of the relationship between you and the therapist is the most significant predictor of a successful outcome.
You want to find someone who puts you at ease. If the therapist feels comfortable in her own skin, she is going to make you feel comfortable in yours. Credentials are important, but all the credentials in the world are not going to lead to resolution of your problems if you do not feel safe.
2. Be a smart consumer.
Most folks don't realize that shopping for a therapist has many things in common with shopping for a new car. You need to do your research. You need to make comparisons. Get the names of at least three therapists. Take them out for a test drive by spending at least fifteen minutes talking to each of them by phone, instant messaging or email exchange. Pick the one who was easiest to talk to.
3. Do not let insurance companies dictate your choices.
If you start your search for therapists with your insurance company's list of participating providers, you may be limiting your choices. Many experienced therapists do not accept insurance (that includes me), because insurance companies do not pay us well. And here's a secret insurance companies are not eager to tell you: many policies require the company to reimburse you for payments you make to a qualified professional who is outside the network. So I suggest starting your search with the yellow pages or the web. You can get a good initial sense of the values and credentials of the therapist by seeing how they advertise.
4. Take the therapist's level of experience seriously. This work is complicated and takes many years to learn to do well. (I for one believe I have just hit my stride!) You need not rule out younger therapists (we all have to start somewhere), but you do have the right to ask how long they have been in practice, how much experience they have had with your particular problem, and if they consult regularly with a more experienced therapist.
5. Think about your needs.
What are the qualities in another person that you respond to best? Someone who gives you practical suggestions? Someone who is a good listener? Spend some time thinking about the qualities that work for you, and look for those in the therapist.
6. Consider the best format. It used to be that face-to-face therapy was the only format available. Today, you can choose other formats like telephone, instant messaging, video conferencing, and email. With face-to-face, your choices are limited by geography. But if you are willing to try one of the other formats, the sky's the limit. You can do an online search for therapists and find someone hundreds of mile away who's just the right match. Telephone and IM have some advantages over face-to-face. For one, you can do this from the comfort of home and don't have to dress for the occasion. Many of my telephone clients like the opportunity to take notes, while sitting in their favorite chair with a cup of tea.
Well, I know this is only a start. Let me know if this information is helpful, and if you would like me to go into more detail about some of these points. If you have tips to add or would like to share how you found your therapist, please comment.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Saturday, August 4, 2007
What's a Blog, Anonymous?
Blogs have been around for ten years give or take. I certainly did not think of myself as "cutting edge" when I started doing this a month ago. But when I told my friends what I was up to, I found out that many of them had never seen nor read a blog before. Indeed, many comments on my posts begin, "I'm new to blogging..." One response to my email announcing the birth of this blog was, "What's a blog?"
Now, I admit that most of my acquaintances are over thirty, which may account for the cluelessness. For those of us who did not grow up with computers, cyberspace can seem a rather strange new land. So I offer this little blogging primer to make it easier for you to become part of the Sanity Made Simple community.
1. Blogs are journals. But they come in all kinds of crazy shapes and sizes. All they really have in common is that there are entries made on a regular basis. You will notice that the newest entry is the first thing you see on the page, followed by older posts (journal entries). As posts age, they are "archived". You can usually find the archives section on the sidebar. My archive section is entitled, "More Mental Notes." As I make more entries, that section will grow. (Right now it's just a baby.)
2. While some blogs are personal accounts of someone's everyday life, others offer information about a particular field or area of interest. If you were an entomologist, for example, you could search for "bug blogs" and find people blogging on your subject. (Hmm.... accordion blogs.... I should look... never mind...) Anyway, the idea here is that when someone starts a blog they are announcing to cyberspace travelers, "Hey, I know something about bugs. If you do too (or even if you don't), come talk to me. Let's create a discussion group, or community on my blog about bugs. How about it?"
3. As far as this blog is concerned, I know something about sanity (or maybe I only think I do). I offer this blog in an attempt to share that information. You can react to what I say, forward my posts to friends, or add some thoughts of your own. When you click on the word comments at the end of a post and write a response, you help the sanity garden grow (and give the bugs a place to hang out). The goal here is to build a community of people talking about sane living.
4. People who visit blogs but never leave comments are called "lurkers." I think it's okay to lurk, but I also believe that everyone has something important to say. So I want to suggest that you "delurk" as soon as you can. And you have some choices when you do.
So I hope this helps you understand and participate. By now you should be thinking, "How many metaphors did she mix up this time? I better get in there and help her!"
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Now, I admit that most of my acquaintances are over thirty, which may account for the cluelessness. For those of us who did not grow up with computers, cyberspace can seem a rather strange new land. So I offer this little blogging primer to make it easier for you to become part of the Sanity Made Simple community.
1. Blogs are journals. But they come in all kinds of crazy shapes and sizes. All they really have in common is that there are entries made on a regular basis. You will notice that the newest entry is the first thing you see on the page, followed by older posts (journal entries). As posts age, they are "archived". You can usually find the archives section on the sidebar. My archive section is entitled, "More Mental Notes." As I make more entries, that section will grow. (Right now it's just a baby.)
2. While some blogs are personal accounts of someone's everyday life, others offer information about a particular field or area of interest. If you were an entomologist, for example, you could search for "bug blogs" and find people blogging on your subject. (Hmm.... accordion blogs.... I should look... never mind...) Anyway, the idea here is that when someone starts a blog they are announcing to cyberspace travelers, "Hey, I know something about bugs. If you do too (or even if you don't), come talk to me. Let's create a discussion group, or community on my blog about bugs. How about it?"
3. As far as this blog is concerned, I know something about sanity (or maybe I only think I do). I offer this blog in an attempt to share that information. You can react to what I say, forward my posts to friends, or add some thoughts of your own. When you click on the word comments at the end of a post and write a response, you help the sanity garden grow (and give the bugs a place to hang out). The goal here is to build a community of people talking about sane living.
4. People who visit blogs but never leave comments are called "lurkers." I think it's okay to lurk, but I also believe that everyone has something important to say. So I want to suggest that you "delurk" as soon as you can. And you have some choices when you do.
- You can identify yourself with your real name if you're comfortable, but you don't have to. (You'll notice some real name users in my comments section already.)
- If you don't want to use your real name, you can make up a screen name so that each time you write in I know the comments are coming from the same person. For example, I may not know who Maine Poet is, but each time MP writes in we're building a dialog nonetheless.
- Maybe you want me to know who you are but not everybody else who reads the blog. In that case choose a nickname that I can identify you by. It just so happens that Maine Poet is a nickname for someone I know.
- You can do the screen name thing by clicking on the radio button next to the word "other" that's under the comments window. Once you click the button, a box will appear where you can type in a screen name unique to you. So, why am I making a big deal of this? Read on.
So I hope this helps you understand and participate. By now you should be thinking, "How many metaphors did she mix up this time? I better get in there and help her!"
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Quilt Lessons, Part Two
Picture this. There are forty women assembled in this room to spend the morning learning a technique called, "Quilt As You Go." We gather with all our quilting paraphernalia, each having carted along her best sewing machine (quilters tend to have more than one). The temperature outside is 98. The air conditioners are fired up along with the sewing machines and flat irons. Collectively, we are an energy consumption nightmare.
Each of us has her own level of skill and her distinct approach to the quilting process. There are the obsessive-compulsive types who mark, measure, pin, and baste everything; and the rest of us who merely eyeball and stitch. Despite our differences and the fact that we have never met, we are an instant community. We are quilters.
There are many steps in the technique we have come to learn today. Our teacher leads us through them one at a time. We complete each step at differing rates of speed. Small groups crowd around her asking questions.
Suddenly, she stops and addresses the entire assemblage. "Everybody come up here and see what Mary has done." Translation: Mary has goofed, and the teacher is about to turn her blunder into a lesson for the rest of us. "Remember to fold the two bottom layers back before you stitch." And, "Remember the solid line is the sewing line, not the cutting line."
You might think Mary would be crushed. Not at all. She's smiling and taking a bow. That's because tradition here calls for a round of applause for anyone whose mistake benefits the rest of us.
Consider this. What if you got a standing ovation for every mistake you made in life? Suppose it was commonly understood that we owe a debt of gratitude to mistake makers for helping us avoid the same pitfalls. If we thought of our mistakes as a service to humankind, would we stop feeling ashamed of them? Isn't goofing up life's little standard operating procedure?
So thanks, Mary. My hat is off to you. Take another bow.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Each of us has her own level of skill and her distinct approach to the quilting process. There are the obsessive-compulsive types who mark, measure, pin, and baste everything; and the rest of us who merely eyeball and stitch. Despite our differences and the fact that we have never met, we are an instant community. We are quilters.
There are many steps in the technique we have come to learn today. Our teacher leads us through them one at a time. We complete each step at differing rates of speed. Small groups crowd around her asking questions.
Suddenly, she stops and addresses the entire assemblage. "Everybody come up here and see what Mary has done." Translation: Mary has goofed, and the teacher is about to turn her blunder into a lesson for the rest of us. "Remember to fold the two bottom layers back before you stitch." And, "Remember the solid line is the sewing line, not the cutting line."
You might think Mary would be crushed. Not at all. She's smiling and taking a bow. That's because tradition here calls for a round of applause for anyone whose mistake benefits the rest of us.
Consider this. What if you got a standing ovation for every mistake you made in life? Suppose it was commonly understood that we owe a debt of gratitude to mistake makers for helping us avoid the same pitfalls. If we thought of our mistakes as a service to humankind, would we stop feeling ashamed of them? Isn't goofing up life's little standard operating procedure?
So thanks, Mary. My hat is off to you. Take another bow.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
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