Part III: Projection - One Way Shadow Reveals Itself

I found myself muttering the other day, complaining to myself about a certain friend. We go back a long way, she and I. Throughout the friendship, I've harbored this little grudge that I am always the one to reach out, always the first to call when months or years have passed between contacts.

In my muttering state, I found myself painting her in unattractive colors: "withholding," "unfeeling," "fair-weather," "controlling." I heard the voice inside my head vowing that this time I would not be the first to break the silence. Even if it drove me mad and no matter how long it took, I would just wait for her to contact me. My escalating and exaggerated feelings of anger and frustration suggested I might have some shadow work to do. It didn't take long for me to realize that in my refusal to reach out, I was demonstrating those very qualities I was accusing her of!

The above is an example of shadow revealing itself through "projection." Think of projection as a psychological dart game. There is some other person you are feeling excessively upset with. That person is the dart board. You are the one slinging the darts, and as you throw each dart you throw an accusation, like "withholding," "unfeeling." In terms of shadow, the darts are attached to you by an invisible rubber band. Those darts are aspects of you. If you have the courage to draw them back to yourself, you can use them to do some important self examination.

In my case, I thought about the negative qualities I had projected onto her that were really my own. Admitting that I had the capacity to be all those things actually gave me the freedom not to be. The awareness gave me the ability to act in a way that represents my better qualities instead.

So I just picked up the phone and gave her a call. We had a lovely, long chat, catching up on one another's lives. And best of all, I got to hear her say, "Oh, I've been thinking of you! How nice of you to call! I'm not as good at remembering to call as you are. I'm glad you don't hold that against me."

Next time you find yourself getting really worked up about someone else's faults, consider that it might be your shadow talking. Withdraw the projection, take a look at what you should own as parts of yourself, and let better parts take over. You will be rewarded.


copyright 2008 starfishdoc

Part II: The Gold in the Shadow

As I said in my first piece about shadow, there's gold in there. It is precisely because of that gold that we must go mining in the caves of shadow. But let me explain how shadow develops in the first place.

At birth, each of us possesses a full range of human qualities. These qualities start out neutral. But as we grow, influential people in our lives (like parents, teachers, and peers) point out qualities they dislike, and label them "bad." In a desire to be loved and accepted we react. We take those "bad" qualities, and one by one, excise them from our personalities.

What do we do with those cut off parts of self? As Robert Bly says, we throw them into a "long bag." With unsightly aspects of ourselves safely tucked away, we go on, seemingly scrubbed clean of our bad traits. Problem is, we continue to lug that long shadow bag and all its contents around with us. The trash man never comes to cart it off to the dump.

Furthermore, each time we throw something into the bag, really good stuff goes too. Examples. You are four years old. Your mom is at the kitchen table having coffee with her friends. You keep interrupting. Later she punishes you for being rude. Out comes your shadow bag, and you toss in rudeness. Along with it goes some spontaneity.

You're in the fifth grade and your teacher scolds you for clowning around. You get angry and get sent to the principal's office. You open the bag, toss in anger, and along with it, some passion and humor.

To sum it up, by the time we hit age twenty, we've gone from being a full circle of possibilities to being just a sliver of our potential selves. We've dumbed ourselves down. We've learned to color within the lines of life.

As adults we have two choices. One is to deny that we've thrown anything into the bag (even deny the existence of the bag itself). Or we can go into the bag and retrieve the gold we've thrown away.

Most of us are afraid to stick our hand in that bag. We don't know what might bite us. It is truly an act of courage to do so. But the alternative is leaving great chunks of ourselves languishing in the dark. Even worse: what we deny about ourselves we inflict on others. (More on that next time.)

Meanwhile, consider what parts of you you might have thrown away, thinking they were bad. And rejoice. There's great beauty in the shadow.


copyright 2007 starfishdoc
(Thanks, JMR for the first photo.)

Shadow 101

I've just been reviewing a dog-eared copy of one of my favorite books. It is called Meeting the Shadow. If you're a follower of Carl Jung, you already know that "shadow" refers to the darker, often unconscious, and not very attractive parts of our personality that we try to keep hidden from ourselves and others.

Why would I want to reread a book on such a depressing topic? Well, because recently, I had some of my faults pointed out to me, so I thought I'd jump right in the game. Also, I know that taking a routine inventory of your shadow simply makes you a better human being. Best of all, when you do your own "shadow work" no one else has to do it for you.

Each personality is a complex mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are parts of us we are proud of, and other parts that bring us buckets full of shame and guilt. We proudly display to the world the parts we are proud of, but hide the bad and the ugly. We try to disown those negative qualities as not part of us, but that's no more possible than it was for Dr. Jekyll regarding Mr. Hyde.

A client once told me, "I'm a really good person and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone." Meanwhile, he was carrying on an affair, destroying his marriage, hurting his children. Yet he believed, and wanted me to believe, that despite all evidence to the contrary, he was pure goodness.

We call that denial. He was denying that big chunk of ugliness that was clearly part of him. If he had been able to confront his shadow rather than deny it, he would have owned his actions, recognized them as the result of some dark desire or need, and taken steps to avoid repeating the same behavior. When we perpetuate the facade of wonderfulness, we're likely to do the same mean and rotten things again and again!

To be imperfect is human. If we accepted our imperfections instead of perpetuating the myth of pure goodness, we might take up shadow work with eagerness. Why eagerness? Because knowing yourself, all parts of yourself, helps you to live in the world with integrity and dignity. It is a blessing to all your relationships. When you are able to own the trouble you yourself cause, you no longer project it onto someone else.

Best of all, what lurks in the shadow is not all bad. Mixed in with those ugly parts are the more interesting, vibrant, gritty parts of our personalities. When we search the shadow, we mine for gold!

Next time: More on the gold in the shadow and how shadow reveals itself to you.

copyright 2007 starfishdoc