I was reviewing my posts recently and was surprised to find a common theme running through them. It is about letting go and leaving things alone.
It came up in a conversation with a client last week. She's concerned about her daughter who is stuck in an unhealthy relationship. She asked me several times what she could do about her daughter's problem. Mostly, my answer was the same each time: don't do anything. If you do, you will deflect your daughter's attention away from grappling with the situation herself. Instead, she will put all her energy into defending the relationship and arguing with you.
Most of us have grown up in a society where exerting influence over people and events is highly valued. When faced with a problem, we believe we must "do something." So when I tell a client to let something go, the reaction is often: "What? There must be something I can do!"
If you haven't seen the movie, "What about Bob?" you must. Richard Dreyfus plays a self-important shrink who tries to go off on a family vacation. Bill Murray is a clinging, needy patient who follows him to Lake Winnipesaukee. No matter what the doc does to set limits and keep him at a distance, Bob sticks to him like flypaper. I think it illustrates in a most humorous way how our attempts to control others often backfire.
I am not immune to wanting to exert my will over events around me. I once led a weekly therapy group that met in a room with an assortment of comfortable chairs. One of them was a beanbag chair. Each week George would arrive early to secure the beanbag chair for himself. Shortly into each session, he would fall asleep and snore through the rest of the meeting! I thought I could take care of this by locking the beanbag chair in a closet. Wouldn't you know that the next week George showed up with his own beanbag chair in tow?
So I guess the message today is, next time you've got a problem and you're trying to think of what to do about it, ask yourself, "What would happen if I did nothing?" It may be best if you simply go with the flow. Listen to those great philosophers, the Beatles. "There will be an answer, let it be."
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
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10 comments:
Spot on. Standing back and letting people make their own mistakes is the hardest thing you can do, especially when its someone you care about. But there are some things we all must learn through our own mis-steps.
Oh and I cant tell you how many times opening my mouth or doing something has just multipied the problem! (I'm learning from that misstep!)
Right on. More and more I'm trying to just step out of my own way in life. I find that fewer actual problems arise when I'm successful in doing that.
Catherine and Tana,
Hey to both of you. So glad to hear from you. And I'm glad to know this approach works for you, also. Please visit often. We'll see if there are more issues we agree on.
Best.
Starfishdoc,
I would be interested to hear what you have to say about letting go when it comes to controlling your own destiny. We are told that we can help shape the events in our lives...what happens if you've tried all avenues and all seems to be in vain of those attempts? Do you think letting go would apply here, especially when you have done everything you can do? It feels unnatural, but then again, what else can you do but "go with the flow?"
Every time I just hear the title of this movie I crack up! It's one of my favorites, starfish necklace girl!
Court,
Notice the irony of "control" and "destiny" used together? Of course it applies here. Try an experiment of letting go and see what happens.
Kathy,
Yet another similarity between us! We'll have to compare notes on other favorite movies.
Very good point :)
Great post.
therapydoc,
Thanks! Coming from a blogger I admire, that's quite the compliment. Social workers unite.
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