My second summer job as a teenager (my first being counter girl at Zaccagnini's Pastries), was clerk/typist for the mayor of my home town. He must have liked me, because he would have been crazy to hire me for my typing ability.
On my first day, he handed me a Dictaphone and told me to type a status report on the fire department. (For those of you who don't know what a Dictaphone is, consider being plugged into your iPod and having to type what you hear.) I had never used one, so whenever he paused on the tape, I threw in some punctuation. That's when he told me I was "comma happy." (I do love a good comma, but not as much as I love parentheses.)
Whenever someone in our town won an award or achieved something special, the mayor sent out a letter of recognition. The last sentence in all the letters was boilerplate. It read, "Congratulations, you are the pride of your community." Nice, right? With one tiny typo, I converted one such letter to, "Congratulations, you are the price of your community." Good thing the mayor never signed anything he himself hadn't proofread.
Recently, an avid reader of this blog wrote to tell me how she had misread my list of topics, and was very eager to read the posts that had to do with "guilting." I don't know if she was disappointed, but I know she must have been surprised when they turned out to be about "quilting."
But she sure got me to thinking. Just like love, guilting is a verb. Well, it's really not a verb, but should be. Here's my attempt at a definition. Guilting: the use of statements and behaviors to manipulate someone into thinking they have wronged you, and thus getting them to do what you want. Behaviors include crying, sulking, pouting (women, usually) anger and silent treatment (men mostly). May include crossed arms and foot-stamping, slamming doors and statements like, "You don't really love me," or "I thought you were my friend."
If you've never been, well, guilty of guilting someone, raise your hand. Those of you with your hand up may leave the room. Hmmm, I don't see any hands. So here's a mature and direct strategy to replace guilting.
1. Identify the need or desire you have.
2. Acknowledge it as a need or desire, not a god-given right.
3. Ask your partner/friend if they can indulge you in this need.
4. Find out what you can do for them in return.
Thanks, MG, for getting my wheels turning on this one. Shows you just how important my readers are.
And if I had continued to glaze donuts, where would we all be now?
Copyright starfishdoc 2007
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10 comments:
Wow - I'm happy to see my "misread" got you thinking too! I also thought it was very funny, being a quintessential "Freudian" slip....(and no, I wasn't disappointed to find quilting...I'd already read the quilting articles and loved them.)
I guess with guilting I give as good as I get.
And if you stayed a donut glazer we would all be in line at Zaccagnini's Pastries waiting for donuts w/ a side of insight - you would be the wisest donut glazer around...
Dear MG,
Thanks for publishing your comment. You did indeed get me thinking. It's a great meditation for us all to search our hearts and see how often we do the guilting thing, and learn to stop.
And your Freudian slip comment is perfect! Love it!
I couldnt agree more.
In the past I had been known to pout, mope and even throw a tantrum or two (when i was younger!) But one of the best things my girlfriend has helped me do over the past is reign in my sensitive self and to verbalize what I need or want. To recognize it, talk about it, and not feel guilty or needy for wanting or needing it. Doesn't mean I always GET what I want :)... but it has helped me become more in touch with how I am feeling and why - which half the time solves the problem need or worry in and of itself!
A certain therapist's daughter has also taught me that guilting, unfortunately, does not increase the psychic ability of your partner to read your mind. In a world where we want to get what we want ASAP, it's just better to flat out ask for it.
Catherine,
That's exactly it! Being open and honest about own's needs is always the best bet. Though it won't always get you what you wanted originally, you may get something better: clarity and a closer, more mature relationship. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
Dear Court,
That therapist has one smart daughter! And you brought up another important aspect about guilting that I forgot to include: mindreading. I think we'll have to give that important topic its very own post. What do you think?
Definitely a good idea!
this thanksgiving my cousin nicholas came down from the city and had dinner with us, watched the game, and when it was time to go home instead of asking for a ride he began to angle around what he needed by reminding us all of times he had helped each of us in the past.
About 5 minutes into this he realized what he was doing and with a laugh he announced "pack your bags guys! We're going on a guilt trip!"
It got me laughing anyway and we took him to the train station. I'm a big fan of asking for what you need up front. Being direct is the best way to be, I believe.
Tana,
Thanks so much for this story! D and I often talk about "falling into a guilt spiral," but that's not nearly as fuuny as your cousin Nicholas's way of expressing it. Tell him "thank you" for me.
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