It was really nice. The family was here. We reminisced about the past and tried to predict the future. The turkey was moist. I tried a new stuffing recipe that was a wild mix of ingredients, but it worked. Peace and harmony reigned.
That's not a lie, but it's not the whole truth either.
I don't know about your family, but mine is no Norman Rockwell painting. We are a bunch of strong willed, and sometimes confused individuals, whose views about the present and recollections about the past don't always jibe. I'd be inclined to keep that family business to myself, but I know that my experience is not that different from yours. Families that epitomize the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving are either extremely rare and fortunate, or they are just a figment of our collective imagination. I'm inclined to believe the latter.
For most of us, the good parts of Thanksgiving were mixed with some degree suffering. I have friends who were sad and bewildered to be out of their usual element this Thanksgiving. Others were furious to be stuck in the same lousy rut as always. I heard many stories of loneliness from clients separated by miles, death, or conflict from the ones they love. Some had no one to share the holiday. Many wished there were no holiday at all.
I believe we create much of our own Thanksgiving disappointment through unrealistic expectations. We expect the day to be special, our family to be better than it is, and all our feelings to be positive. We forget that life is an ambiguous and complex mix.
Just as we create our own disappointment, we can create our own joy. Let's consider changing our thinking to reflect reality:
- Our families aren't perfect. Neither are we.
- We can't have perfect love in our hearts. It's imperfect at best.
- Even the best relationships have ambivalent feelings within them.
- The people we love don't live forever, but can live in our hearts.
- Children grow up and move away. That's what we raised them to do.
copyright 2007 starfishdoc
5 comments:
Mine was mixed as well. This was my first Thanksgiving away from home and my family. You're right, it's hard to cope with being out of your element. What's sad is it was hard to enjoy Thanksgiving with my NEW family because I was sad I was missing out on things back home.
I'm realizing as I grow older and venture farther out on my own, traditions I held so dear lose their importance. I don't know if I should be sad or chalk it up to being an adult with responsibilites.
Court,
Coping with the changes that adulthood brings have losses associated with them, the most difficult being giving up the attachment to childhood and wanting things to be as they once were. You have my sympathies as you go through this. Eckhart Tolle would say focus on the now, because that is all that is real.
When we do that, we get much greater satisfaction out of life, fewer regrets, fewer disappointments.
If you try this, be sure to let me know how it works for you.
You hit it spot on....where can I buy a one way ticket back to Neverland?
Just kidding. I am focusing on the now. You're right; we can't control the past or the future so why bother?
Court,
You're a quick study!
Two weeks later - now I have some perspective on the holiday.
Something had changed about Thanksgiving. The angst, that usually surfaces sometime during the couple of days my in-laws are all together, was missing. Even other family members thought so.
Setting up the scenario:
I have to admit I'm in a different place myself - after many years of working in several large corporations I took an early retirement.
A younger family member volunteered to host in a city that we had not been to before.
Things that might have made it better:
Discussing the plans and location earlier in the year. Email communications about hotels, things to do, pre-Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving meals,etc.
Leisurely driving instead of flying (and not getting caught in the bumper to bumper East Coast traffic).
- listening to music
- spending some well deserved time for conversation
Setting your own timetable about arrival and departure.
Staying in a hotel.
Not let other family member's anxieties get the better of us.
The family that hosted did the cooking and the cleanup.
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