Quilt Lessons, Part 1

I spent the weekend taking classes at the annual Maine Quilt Show. I went last year as a casual observer and got hooked right then and there. I've been a quilt junkie ever since.

Like anyone who takes up a new endeavor later in life, I feel a certain envy for those who have been quilting for many years. I know I'll never reach their level of competence: there's simply not enough time left! But despite my late start, I'm content to learn as much as I can, enjoy the process, and satisfy myself by surpassing my personal best.
Above is a picture of my very first quilt.

Age (nor anything else) has ever stopped me from pursuing something new, no matter the perceived degree of difficulty. Other things I've started well past 40: earning a Ph.D., teaching myself to play the accordion (I see you wincing), rug-braiding, and studying Italian.

So why am I making such a big deal over this? Well, because I'm tired of conversations like this.

CLIENT: I'm bored with life.
ME: Do you have any creative pursuits?
CLIENT: Well, I play the guitar but I'm not very good.
ME: When did you last play it?
CLIENT: Two years ago.
ME: Why so long?
CLIENT: I just don't think I have any talent.

It has been said by many others more clever than me that becoming accomplished at something has very little to do with talent. It has everything to do with sweat and putting in the time. Anyone who hasn't pursued something really hard is losing out on experiencing that deep satisfaction that can only come through self-challenge.

The fear of failure keeps most people from even getting started. We hear those little I'll-never-be-good-enough voices, and we give up before we start.

So, take a tip from me. Invest yourself in doing something really hard. If you can't get over the fear of failure, here's a suggestion from Benjamin Zander, conductor of the Boston Philharmonic: start out by giving yourself an A. Now that you don't have to worry about the grade, you can drop into the groove of possibility.

Here's a picture of my most recent quilt.
I give myself an A.

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc

Listen to Your Body Talk

It starts out okay. You and your partner are having a "discussion." It's about something mildly unpleasant - like she's complaining that you don't pick up after yourself. Nothing really terrible has been said so far, but you start to feel uncomfortable. Maybe you're getting flushed, maybe there's even a little knot forming in your stomach. But you partner presses on, and the flush and the knot begin to grow.

You start to lose the ability to focus. Suddenly you find yourself screaming and saying some really nasty things. By the time the two of you are finished, you are pretty sure you've done some real damage. It may take days before you're even speaking again, and although you deny it, you have this nagging sense that things will never be quite the same.

What you've just experienced is called "flooding," that sudden jump from rationality to irrationality that occurs when you feel threatened or angry. Those strong emotions start a physiological reaction within you that quickens your pulse and raises your blood pressure, sending a message to your brain to prepare to run or fight.

John Gottman, the great couples therapist, points out that nothing productive will come out of an argument once flooding has overtaken either partner. But to many of us, that seems counter intuitive: we think it makes more sense to argue through to the end, to settle the matter. Gottman says no. Rather, to keep a relationship free from wounds so deep they can't heal, couples need to learn to table the discussion at the very first sign of flooding.

The way to do that is to come to know the first bodily sensations that precede the loss of rationality. The early warning signs are varied and unique to each person. Do you experience a tightness in the neck, chest, or stomach? A flushing in the face or hot all over? Clenching of teeth, tummy or fists? These are just a few such warning signs.

Think about the last time you were in a heated argument. Remember what your body was feeling as it started? Once you know what it is, you can stop trouble early.

When you first feel that bodily sensation arising, tell your partner that you are flooding and take time out to calm down before you resume the discussion. (Please note: this is not an excuse to avoid the problem altogether or indefinitely.)

Conflict and disagreements are a part of any relationship. When clients say, and they often do, "We don't handle conflict well," I teach them about flooding. That's the first big step toward better conflict management.

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc

The Unexpected Metaphor

He's a musician, and just last night he was pointing out why he prefers a particular microphone. "When I sing into it you can hear all the nuances in my voice. That's because the mic leaves air around my voice, especially at the top end."

Today, I'm sitting with two parents and their teenager. The teen has been angry with them for a long time, and behavior problems have been the result. But things are going better, partly because of a great metaphor. It's the one about the helicopter. It describes the type of parent who constantly hovers and buzzes around their teen, asking if homework's done, grounding a kid who walks in one minute past curfew. These parents have worked hard to stop doing that. It was the metaphor that clinched their understanding.

Now that they have removed much of the negativity, I want them to stop what they think is helpful behavior: using every conversation with their teen as a "teachable moment." I want them to see that if they're doing the talking, even when what they're saying is positive, healthy, and character-building, the teenage can't process and think. A teenager needs to hear the sound of his/her own voice. So I tell them the microphone metaphor. There's silence for a moment, then Mom says, "Oh, I get it! We're not leaving enough air at the top!"

I'm not a poet. Many of my chosen clinical metaphors are, well, clunky. I am exceedingly grateful to all the clients who have endured them. But clunky or not, metaphors work. They become a shorthand for profound moments of "Aha!" I still hear about them from past clients, who will say things like it was the "teacup thing", or the "rowing away looking back" or the "bull and the matador" that helped everything fall into place.

Are there some metaphors that have helped you crystallize a problem or discover a solution? I'd love to hear about them.

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc

A Primer on Introversion

An introvert is a person who prefers his own company to the company of others. More specifically, what distinguishes introverts from extroverts is how they recharge their emotional batteries. After a stressful day, the introvert is rejuvenated by time alone, while the extrovert is more likely to meet friends at a bar to rehash the day's events.

Introverts are a distinct minority (of which I am a proud member) in our culture, making up only 20-25% of Americans. What makes that minority status challenging is that our culture favors extroverts and the qualities they possess, especially their social skills. Introverts tend to be aloof, prefer a few very select relationships, like to work alone, and dread parties. These are just some of the characteristics that draw judgment and criticism from extroverts who often find it difficult to understand us.

To make things more complicated, many introverts have no idea that they are introverts. As children, we were victims of attempts by well-meaning adults to make us more social, more likable, more, well - extroverted. If you are like me, you went through most of your life acting like an extrovert (probably not convincingly), while feeling inside like there was something wrong with you.

When I was in high school, I happily served as treasurer of my class for three years in a row. By some fluke, I was elected class president in my senior year. Suddenly high profile, thrown into the limelight, I was miserable! I couldn't understand why I hated the attention and status so much. If I had understood my introverted nature, I would have seen what a poor fit the role of class president was for me.

Even later as an adult, I felt the same self-doubt in social situations. Take the typical professional conference for example. I always dreaded the coffee break. It made me so nervous to try to mix and mingle with total strangers.

When an introvert lives life as a "pretend" or "wannabe" extrovert, it takes its toll on energy and self-esteem. Once I learned that I was an introvert, it put my whole life into perspective. I began to embrace my introverted qualities. I stopped doing the things that went against my nature. No more forcing myself to chat at those coffee breaks. Now I was free to take walks by myself instead.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be "an introvert in extrovert's clothing." You can find out by going to my website at http://www.starfishtherapy.com/pdf/introversion.pdf and taking the introvert quiz. Tell me about your experiences as an introvert in an extroverted culture.

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc

Blogging for Sanity

Since this is my first blog post, here's some background and rationale for my decision to do this.

I have 30+ years experience in the practice of psychotherapy. I have learned as much from my clients and students as from the research and study it requires to master the trade. Until now my audience has been limited to those who seek therapy with me or sign up for my courses. Now I have the perfect opportunity to share my knowledge and skills with all of you, and hear what you have to say in return.

So many problems are universal and so many solutions are simple. But because we often feel embarrassed by our problems, we keep them to ourselves. By staying isolated from others, we deny ourselves the chance to find out that we are not alone in our suffering and that there are ways to ease the pain. Here we'll be able to share solutions.

I want to talk about the "goodness-of-fit" problems - within yourself, in your relationships with partner, family, friends. Work stresses, role stresses. Those things that make us feel off-balance and slightly insane.

I want to talk with you about "seeing through" the cultural garbage that clogs up our functioning in life. (Do you really need to own an iPhone the day it comes out, or ever? Who made it up that chartreuse is THE color this spring?)

I want to talk about communication - one of the most complicated things we do every day. There are very few of us who do it well, mostly because we don't understand all its facets. And if we have the knowledge, there's not much evidence that we practice it.

Some other things I'll talk about? Life as an introvert, how to parent teenagers (or handle your parents if you happen to be a teen), movies and books that offer some insights into sanity. Some of the brilliant theorists who have influenced my work and are making a mark on living sanely in an insane world. And finally, perspectives on life viewed from my own little "Walden."

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc