I've just been reviewing a dog-eared copy of one of my favorite books. It is called Meeting the Shadow. If you're a follower of Carl Jung, you already know that "shadow" refers to the darker, often unconscious, and not very attractive parts of our personality that we try to keep hidden from ourselves and others.
Why would I want to reread a book on such a depressing topic? Well, because recently, I had some of my faults pointed out to me, so I thought I'd jump right in the game. Also, I know that taking a routine inventory of your shadow simply makes you a better human being. Best of all, when you do your own "shadow work" no one else has to do it for you.
Each personality is a complex mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are parts of us we are proud of, and other parts that bring us buckets full of shame and guilt. We proudly display to the world the parts we are proud of, but hide the bad and the ugly. We try to disown those negative qualities as not part of us, but that's no more possible than it was for Dr. Jekyll regarding Mr. Hyde.
A client once told me, "I'm a really good person and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone." Meanwhile, he was carrying on an affair, destroying his marriage, hurting his children. Yet he believed, and wanted me to believe, that despite all evidence to the contrary, he was pure goodness.
We call that denial. He was denying that big chunk of ugliness that was clearly part of him. If he had been able to confront his shadow rather than deny it, he would have owned his actions, recognized them as the result of some dark desire or need, and taken steps to avoid repeating the same behavior. When we perpetuate the facade of wonderfulness, we're likely to do the same mean and rotten things again and again!
To be imperfect is human. If we accepted our imperfections instead of perpetuating the myth of pure goodness, we might take up shadow work with eagerness. Why eagerness? Because knowing yourself, all parts of yourself, helps you to live in the world with integrity and dignity. It is a blessing to all your relationships. When you are able to own the trouble you yourself cause, you no longer project it onto someone else.
Best of all, what lurks in the shadow is not all bad. Mixed in with those ugly parts are the more interesting, vibrant, gritty parts of our personalities. When we search the shadow, we mine for gold!
Next time: More on the gold in the shadow and how shadow reveals itself to you.
copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Monday, December 3, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A Loss of Innocence
I just finished listening to a friend's tragic story of being fired after someone made a spurious and false accusation of wrongdoing against her. The details of her story are not mine to tell. Nor are they important to this piece, which is about what happens to the life of an innocent person who has been unjustly accused.
Here are just a few of the damaging and long term effects. The psychological impact includes despair, self-doubt, ruminations, withdrawal, shame and embarrassment. Physical manifestations include sleeplessness, loss of appetite, deterioration in self-care, loss of concentration, and other health changes, like elevated blood pressure. There are social changes too. People start treating you differently. You begin to notice them withdrawing as if you were contagious. People avoid you out of a suspicion that the allegations may be true. The quality of previously healthy relationships turns sour. The social institutions assigned to investigate such allegations, in their attempt to remain impartial, treat you no differently than someone who is guilty.
Worst of all, I think, is leading a double life. By that I mean having this catastrophic experience going on inside while you try to pretend that everything is fine on the outside. The answer to the simple question, "How are you?" becomes a lie, "I'm fine." And the wheels of justice take so long. The time between accusation and exoneration is months, even years. And by the time exoneration comes, all the damage described above is done. Your reputation, your finances, your well-being, all compromised.
I wish there were a way to stop accusers from making false claims so easily, because once an accusation is out it has a life of its own. And let's be honest. When we hear an accusation about someone else, we may say "innocent until proven guilty," but secretly we may feel, "where there's smoke there's fire."
I have heard stories like this many times, because a therapist's office is one of the safe places to talk about such things. You have no idea how many people are carrying around stories of false accusations, but are too ashamed to tell. This experience is so serious, and, I believe, so widespread, that I thought it deserved a name. I'm calling it, "post-traumatic sucker-punch syndrome." I know my friend will never be quite the same.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Here are just a few of the damaging and long term effects. The psychological impact includes despair, self-doubt, ruminations, withdrawal, shame and embarrassment. Physical manifestations include sleeplessness, loss of appetite, deterioration in self-care, loss of concentration, and other health changes, like elevated blood pressure. There are social changes too. People start treating you differently. You begin to notice them withdrawing as if you were contagious. People avoid you out of a suspicion that the allegations may be true. The quality of previously healthy relationships turns sour. The social institutions assigned to investigate such allegations, in their attempt to remain impartial, treat you no differently than someone who is guilty.
Worst of all, I think, is leading a double life. By that I mean having this catastrophic experience going on inside while you try to pretend that everything is fine on the outside. The answer to the simple question, "How are you?" becomes a lie, "I'm fine." And the wheels of justice take so long. The time between accusation and exoneration is months, even years. And by the time exoneration comes, all the damage described above is done. Your reputation, your finances, your well-being, all compromised.
I wish there were a way to stop accusers from making false claims so easily, because once an accusation is out it has a life of its own. And let's be honest. When we hear an accusation about someone else, we may say "innocent until proven guilty," but secretly we may feel, "where there's smoke there's fire."
I have heard stories like this many times, because a therapist's office is one of the safe places to talk about such things. You have no idea how many people are carrying around stories of false accusations, but are too ashamed to tell. This experience is so serious, and, I believe, so widespread, that I thought it deserved a name. I'm calling it, "post-traumatic sucker-punch syndrome." I know my friend will never be quite the same.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
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