Lars and the Real Girl

Dear Katie,

I finally got around to renting "Lars." Dave and I both enjoyed it at least as much as you imagined when you recommended it to me in January!

At first, Dave thought the premise was so unbelievable that it could never come together in any cogent way. But I was on board from the beginning. First of all, I've seen more clients with delusions like that than most people would think. And just like Lars's delusion about a blow-up doll being real enough for him to fall in love with, people with delusions are convinced that what they see is absolutely true.

Secondly, "participating in the delusion" until the client outgrows the need for it is a legitimate form of therapy. It doesn't work so well in these "realistic" and skeptical times, as you could never get a whole community to cooperate. But I love the fact that the movie got away with it so convincingly by setting it in a small town.

One viewing wasn't enough. When we watched it the second time, I saw how the townspeople got completely caught up in it, such that they all had to grieve the loss of Bianca right along with Lars. So funny. So touching. So true to the human heart and spirit. And I loved the approach that the doctor/psychologist took: never getting in the way, always walking along side Lars spiritually, poised and ready to facilitate the next step in his recovery, but never herself grandstanding about it or making herself out to be the heroine.

At the time you wrote about one scene:

Katie: But I thought of you because there is this bit of dialogue.

Lars's brother, Gus: We need to take him to a shrink
Lars's Sister-in-Law: We can take him to Dr. Dagmar.
Gus: Dagmar is a general practitioner. He needs a psychiatrist.
Sister in law: She's a psychiatrist, too. She told me you have to be if you live this far north.

I got a kick out of that, because practice up here in rural Maine does require some jack-of-all-trades approaches.

My favorite scene is also early in the movie when the church elders are upset because Lars wants to bring Bianca to services. They ask the pastor what they should do and his response is, "What would Jesus do?" Quick cut to the next scene showing Bianca in church!

Now I have to own the movie. I will never tire of watching it because it rings true despite its fantastic premise. If you haven't seen the extra features, you might want to give them a look. The actors all talk about working with Bianca as if she were flesh and blood: "she's very quiet," "she takes a really long time in makeup."

I'm so grateful that you let me know about Lars. Watching the approach taken by the doc in the movie was a timely reminder that going slowly and supporting the process that the client needs to follow almost always trumps being clever and pushy.

Many thanks. You can be my movie critic forever.

S

Copyright starfishdoc 2008

Life is Too Short for Beige

Like many of you, I spend way too much time in my office. In my case, it's my home office, where I write this blog (still haven't figured out how to write from the kayak), prepare classes, and work with clients online and by phone.

I recently decided to decorate it. (What I'm doing doesn't qualify as redecorating, because when we moved in, I rushed to get my phone and computer up and running and get the office functioning as quickly as possible. No time for finer touches.

As with many great things, this project was born of necessity. My desk chair, having served me well for over fifteen years, had become an ergonomic nightmare. So on a recent trip to Ikea, I found myself a new one. With encouragement from my friend Jeanne, a talented graphic designer, I chose the red-orange chair over the dark blue.

That set off a chain of events. Before I left Ikea, I had a matching leather waste basket and some red stain to finish the frames around two new prints. I also decided to paint some of the trim in the office green. (A log home needs some diversionary color or the knots in the pine walls start to move.)


This is a long intro to what happened yesterday, which was that I decided to finish the job by making some cushions and pillows. Here's a picture of what I had completed by the end of the day.

In the past, I have stressed the importance of light to a person's sense of well-being, but I haven't directly mentioned color. If you've seen my quilts, however, you can deduce that pretty easily. I believe color is on a par with light for influencing and directing perspective, attitude, and mood.

Despite what some color theorists would say, I think each person reacts in a unique way to a particular color. Response to a color is not uniform. So it is important to study how each color affects you and use them accordingly. For example, red gives me a feeling of power and competence.

The impact of color on a person's mood cannot be underestimated nor overstated. I have friends who just love neutrals, and friends who love pastels, and I'm always struck by the sense of calm that goes with their color choices. But I also sense that people who are shy about color are also shy about living.

Having color around you stimulates your creativity, enhances your mood, gives you courage, changes your outlook. Dorothy didn't have ruby slippers for nothing.

So, if you're feeling depressed or merely wish to evoke a certain mood, try some color therapy. Unlike retail therapy, it doesn't have to be costly. A little paint or fabric will do. But forget the beige! Mood change calls for bright color. Try some red. Try some green.

Better still, make it vermilion and olive.


Copyright starfishdoc 2008

What's a Blog, Anonymous?

Blogs have been around for ten years give or take. I certainly did not think of myself as "cutting edge" when I started doing this a month ago. But when I told my friends what I was up to, I found out that many of them had never seen nor read a blog before. Indeed, many comments on my posts begin, "I'm new to blogging..." One response to my email announcing the birth of this blog was, "What's a blog?"

Now, I admit that most of my acquaintances are over thirty, which may account for the cluelessness. For those of us who did not grow up with computers, cyberspace can seem a rather strange new land. So I offer this little blogging primer to make it easier for you to become part of the Sanity Made Simple community.

1. Blogs are journals. But they come in all kinds of crazy shapes and sizes. All they really have in common is that there are entries made on a regular basis. You will notice that the newest entry is the first thing you see on the page, followed by older posts (journal entries). As posts age, they are "archived". You can usually find the archives section on the sidebar. My archive section is entitled, "More Mental Notes." As I make more entries, that section will grow. (Right now it's just a baby.)

2. While some blogs are personal accounts of someone's everyday life, others offer information about a particular field or area of interest. If you were an entomologist, for example, you could search for "bug blogs" and find people blogging on your subject. (Hmm.... accordion blogs.... I should look... never mind...) Anyway, the idea here is that when someone starts a blog they are announcing to cyberspace travelers, "Hey, I know something about bugs. If you do too (or even if you don't), come talk to me. Let's create a discussion group, or community on my blog about bugs. How about it?"

3. As far as this blog is concerned, I know something about sanity (or maybe I only think I do). I offer this blog in an attempt to share that information. You can react to what I say, forward my posts to friends, or add some thoughts of your own. When you click on the word comments at the end of a post and write a response, you help the sanity garden grow (and give the bugs a place to hang out). The goal here is to build a community of people talking about sane living.

4. People who visit blogs but never leave comments are called "lurkers." I think it's okay to lurk, but I also believe that everyone has something important to say. So I want to suggest that you "delurk" as soon as you can. And you have some choices when you do.

• You can identify yourself with your real name if you're comfortable, but you don't have to. (You'll notice some real name users in my comments section already.)
• If you don't want to use your real name, you can make up a screen name so that each time you write in I know the comments are coming from the same person. For example, I may not know who Maine Poet is, but each time MP writes in we're building a dialog nonetheless.
• Maybe you want me to know who you are but not everybody else who reads the blog. In that case choose a nickname that I can identify you by. It just so happens that Maine Poet is a nickname for someone I know.
• You can do the screen name thing by clicking on the radio button next to the word "other" that's under the comments window. Once you click the button, a box will appear where you can type in a screen name unique to you. So, why am I making a big deal of this? Read on.

5. Yesterday, SO (significant other) was reading the comments on my blog, and asked, "Who's Anonymous?" Answer: anonymous is everybody who is clicking the "anonymous" button rather than creating a screen name. It's like an ant hill. I don't know which ant is saying what. You all look alike. So, let's have some fun. Make a name for yourself so our interactions can be more specific, more personal, even if they are, well - anonymous. In other words you can retain your anonymity with a screen name. "Hi, it's me, Callipygous Ant." (And we throw in vocabulary lessons at no extra charge.)

So I hope this helps you understand and participate. By now you should be thinking, "How many metaphors did she mix up this time? I better get in there and help her!"

Copyright 2007 starfishdoc

Blogging for Sanity

Since this is my first blog post, here's some background and rationale for my decision to do this.

I have 30+ years experience in the practice of psychotherapy. I have learned as much from my clients and students as from the research and study it requires to master the trade. Until now my audience has been limited to those who seek therapy with me or sign up for my courses. Now I have the perfect opportunity to share my knowledge and skills with all of you, and hear what you have to say in return.

So many problems are universal and so many solutions are simple. But because we often feel embarrassed by our problems, we keep them to ourselves. By staying isolated from others, we deny ourselves the chance to find out that we are not alone in our suffering and that there are ways to ease the pain. Here we'll be able to share solutions.

I want to talk about the "goodness-of-fit" problems - within yourself, in your relationships with partner, family, friends. Work stresses, role stresses. Those things that make us feel off-balance and slightly insane.

I want to talk with you about "seeing through" the cultural garbage that clogs up our functioning in life. (Do you really need to own an iPhone the day it comes out, or ever? Who made it up that chartreuse is THE color this spring?)

I want to talk about communication - one of the most complicated things we do every day. There are very few of us who do it well, mostly because we don't understand all its facets. And if we have the knowledge, there's not much evidence that we practice it.

Some other things I'll talk about? Life as an introvert, how to parent teenagers (or handle your parents if you happen to be a teen), movies and books that offer some insights into sanity. Some of the brilliant theorists who have influenced my work and are making a mark on living sanely in an insane world. And finally, perspectives on life viewed from my own little "Walden."

Copyright 2007, starfishdoc