Bulb-Changing by Proxy

I had been seeing this teenager weekly for a few months, and frankly, we were getting nowhere. (Teenagers can be ornery when they are forced to get counseling.) Her parents and I agreed there were things she needed to change. As far as she was concerned, she was fine as is.

Then she announced she wasn't going to come anymore. So I asked her what she would do if her parents insisted. She said, "I'll just come and sit here for an hour and not say a word."

Every therapist gets the silent treatment sometimes. In fact, we call it the dental interview because it feels like pulling teeth. But this kid was planning to make a career out of it.

So I told her parents I wasn't going to see her anymore. Naturally, they were disappointed: they still had a difficult teenager on their hands.

So I suggested to them that the three of us meet without her, which we did. As a result, a miracle happened. She got better.

How could this be, you ask? Well, knowing that your parents are going off to discuss you once a week may make your ears burn. But I believe that it was the parents who needed to change in order to set things right with their daughter. They needed new parenting skills to increase their competence as parents and assert a more powerful influence over her.

This is basic systems theory. If one part of the family system changes (namely the parents), it forces a reaction in another part of the system (the adolescent). Moral of the story: If one part of the system resists change, work with the part that is open to it.

This approach is not limited to adolescents. It works for any relationship - spouse, friend, employer. If the problem person refuses to seek help, the person who is stuck with the fallout should. Just by learning new ways to relate to the problematic person, you can cause changes to occur.

There's the old joke that goes, "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change." Not true. Lots of great changes occur as a result of bulb-changing by proxy.

So if you are living with a lightbulb that won't change, make an appointment for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Just be prepared to do some of your own changing.


Copyright 2007 starfishdoc