I had been seeing this teenager weekly for a few months, and frankly, we were getting nowhere. (Teenagers can be ornery when they are forced to get counseling.) Her parents and I agreed there were things she needed to change. As far as she was concerned, she was fine as is.
Then she announced she wasn't going to come anymore. So I asked her what she would do if her parents insisted. She said, "I'll just come and sit here for an hour and not say a word."
Every therapist gets the silent treatment sometimes. In fact, we call it the dental interview because it feels like pulling teeth. But this kid was planning to make a career out of it.
So I told her parents I wasn't going to see her anymore. Naturally, they were disappointed: they still had a difficult teenager on their hands.
So I suggested to them that the three of us meet without her, which we did. As a result, a miracle happened. She got better.
How could this be, you ask? Well, knowing that your parents are going off to discuss you once a week may make your ears burn. But I believe that it was the parents who needed to change in order to set things right with their daughter. They needed new parenting skills to increase their competence as parents and assert a more powerful influence over her.
This is basic systems theory. If one part of the family system changes (namely the parents), it forces a reaction in another part of the system (the adolescent). Moral of the story: If one part of the system resists change, work with the part that is open to it.
This approach is not limited to adolescents. It works for any relationship - spouse, friend, employer. If the problem person refuses to seek help, the person who is stuck with the fallout should. Just by learning new ways to relate to the problematic person, you can cause changes to occur.
There's the old joke that goes, "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change." Not true. Lots of great changes occur as a result of bulb-changing by proxy.
So if you are living with a lightbulb that won't change, make an appointment for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Just be prepared to do some of your own changing.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
Showing posts with label parenting teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting teens. Show all posts
Friday, August 24, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The Unexpected Metaphor
He's a musician, and just last night he was pointing out why he prefers a particular microphone. "When I sing into it you can hear all the nuances in my voice. That's because the mic leaves air around my voice, especially at the top end."
Today, I'm sitting with two parents and their teenager. The teen has been angry with them for a long time, and behavior problems have been the result. But things are going better, partly because of a great metaphor. It's the one about the helicopter. It describes the type of parent who constantly hovers and buzzes around their teen, asking if homework's done, grounding a kid who walks in one minute past curfew. These parents have worked hard to stop doing that. It was the metaphor that clinched their understanding.
Now that they have removed much of the negativity, I want them to stop what they think is helpful behavior: using every conversation with their teen as a "teachable moment." I want them to see that if they're doing the talking, even when what they're saying is positive, healthy, and character-building, the teenage can't process and think. A teenager needs to hear the sound of his/her own voice. So I tell them the microphone metaphor. There's silence for a moment, then Mom says, "Oh, I get it! We're not leaving enough air at the top!"
I'm not a poet. Many of my chosen clinical metaphors are, well, clunky. I am exceedingly grateful to all the clients who have endured them. But clunky or not, metaphors work. They become a shorthand for profound moments of "Aha!" I still hear about them from past clients, who will say things like it was the "teacup thing", or the "rowing away looking back" or the "bull and the matador" that helped everything fall into place.
Are there some metaphors that have helped you crystallize a problem or discover a solution? I'd love to hear about them.
Copyright 2007, starfishdoc
Today, I'm sitting with two parents and their teenager. The teen has been angry with them for a long time, and behavior problems have been the result. But things are going better, partly because of a great metaphor. It's the one about the helicopter. It describes the type of parent who constantly hovers and buzzes around their teen, asking if homework's done, grounding a kid who walks in one minute past curfew. These parents have worked hard to stop doing that. It was the metaphor that clinched their understanding.
Now that they have removed much of the negativity, I want them to stop what they think is helpful behavior: using every conversation with their teen as a "teachable moment." I want them to see that if they're doing the talking, even when what they're saying is positive, healthy, and character-building, the teenage can't process and think. A teenager needs to hear the sound of his/her own voice. So I tell them the microphone metaphor. There's silence for a moment, then Mom says, "Oh, I get it! We're not leaving enough air at the top!"
I'm not a poet. Many of my chosen clinical metaphors are, well, clunky. I am exceedingly grateful to all the clients who have endured them. But clunky or not, metaphors work. They become a shorthand for profound moments of "Aha!" I still hear about them from past clients, who will say things like it was the "teacup thing", or the "rowing away looking back" or the "bull and the matador" that helped everything fall into place.
Are there some metaphors that have helped you crystallize a problem or discover a solution? I'd love to hear about them.
Copyright 2007, starfishdoc
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