A Note to Readers

I just want you to know that I try to post a response to every comment made by my readers. Recently, a reader was surprised to have just found a response I had left for her weeks ago. There is a way for you to be notified whenever I respond to your comments. When you open the "Post a Comment" window, notice the item at the bottom that says, "Email follow-up comments to". Check the box there and you'll be notified when I've responded.

The Scoop on Routine and Change

In my last post I talked about "agency" and "communion," those polar opposites that require frequent balance and calibration. Well, that's not the only balance we need to strike in life to be mentally healthy. Another is the balance between "routine" and "change."

I had a conversation the other day with someone who had just recently moved a great distance. The furniture is not in place. The washer is not hooked up. The boxes containing those things that make life comfy and familiar haven't been located yet. My sincere sympathies. Having made a major move not so long ago, I know this discomfort all too well.

In another conversation, a friend with a disability described how the routine of being at home makes life easier. To venture into unfamiliar places creates anxiety and tension. The challenges imposed by a handicap make routine all the more important, even necessary.

We rely on routine to make our lives predictable and orderly. We put things in certain places so we can find them easily. A routine is something we do without having to think about it much.

At the opposite end of the continuum is change. Change teaches us flexibility, adaptability, resilience. Although there is a resistant part in all of us, healthy people recognize that change helps us push our personal envelope. Just as lack of routine suggests a problem, so does a high degree of resistance to change.

When life throws you into turmoil, finding ways to reintroduce some routine is a good thing. And when your life is so routine that you won't venture out of your comfort zone, you need a little change. So periodically, it's a good idea to check your routine/change continuum to see if re-balancing is in order.

Yesterday I noticed that a new ice cream stand has opened just about two miles from home. Normally, I'm not tempted by ice cream, but Gifford's is an exception. There's no doubt that I'll go. The only question is: should I order my old standby, French Vanilla or take a chance on Chocolate Moose Tracks?

Copyright 2008 Starfishdoc

A Tisket, A Tasket...

For the past few weeks I have been making fabric baskets. I hope to sell them and donate some of the proceeds to charity. (I've been experimenting with technique, color, size and shape, so I'd love your feedback, dear reader.)

My samples are beginning to collect everywhere, and I'm running out of places to put them. At this point they have taken over the supper table. It's been fascinating to see the reactions they evoke in visitors.

When women first seem them, there is an almost uniform tone of reverence in their voices. But then, I never met a woman who didn't love a basket, or containers in general for that matter. If you're like me, you have purchased a basket, a bowl or a bag, feeling like you had to have it, without knowing what you would put inside.

I suspect it's quite primal. We women are containers ourselves, aren't we? Doesn't every bowl or basket resonate with the womb inside us? Isn't a basket something that magical things spring from? Don't they represent the very spirit of giving life and holding abundance?

Now the men on the other hand: a completely different story. Every man who has seen the baskets has picked one up and put it on his head! Aside from the comic moment, I think there's something primal in the male response, too. Men are much more interested in what a thing can do, what it's good for.

These gender based responses are the manifestation of the tension between two forces within each of us, whether male or female. Within each of us are two opposing, competing sides, both of which need to be developed and nurtured, and both of which need to be reconciled with one another. We need to find balance between the expression of the two. They are called "agency" and "communion."

Agency is that side of us bold enough to venture out and do things on our own. It is that independent side. That innovative side. It is the assertive, sometimes aggressive side. It is the side that men come by more naturally than women do.

Then there is communion: that side of us that is relational, that cares for others, that serves, that gives, that holds. It is that interdependent, sometimes dependent side. Women come by communion more naturally than men.

But both genders need the development of both sides in order to be truly complete, mature, well-rounded. And it's not hard to see that the extreme over-emphasis of one side over the other can lead to problems. A woman who fails to develop her agency side will end up either being dependent on others to get her needs met or over-extending herself to others while neglecting her own needs. A man who is overly independent, will have no skills for being in a relationship, no ability to nurture his children.

Whenever you are feeling upset or uncomfortable, when something is the matter but you can't say what it is, try checking to see if there is balance between these two sides. You will usually find that you are over utilizing one side to the neglect of the other.

Sometimes you just need to check to see if you need a basket or a hat.

Copyright starfishdoc 2008