Really Big Birthdays

I just had one of those Really Big Birthdays. You know, the kind that ends in a Zero. (Sorry, you'll have to do the math.)

I kept it pretty much a secret, because as an introvert, the last thing I wanted was a party. And a surprise party would be the worst.

No, what I wanted was a quiet time doing my favorite things with close friends. And I got what I asked for.

My two best friends drove five hours to spend the weekend with us. We spent most of our time settin' on the front porch solving the world's problems as well as our own. One of the things that makes us best friends is we don't mind listening to stories over again that we've told each other before. (Is that helping you with the math?)

We also had a wonderful dinner at a local bistro where we know the owners by name and they treat us like family. We toasted the occasion many, many times!

And the weekend was not without its excitement. After dinner we had to do catch and release on a bat that was performing acrobatics in our living room.

So what's this post really about? Two things. Really Big Birthdays and Introversion. And how the two go together.

When I was about eight months pregnant with my second child, I told my family that I absolutely did not want a baby shower. Despite their attempts to heed my request, one friend insisted. Worst of all, it was a surprise shower.

Introverts hate surprises. Introverts hate being in the limelight. I mean, really hate it, as in rather spend the day cleaning toilets.

Imagine my misery walking into a room full of people shouting "surprise!" and focusing all their attention on me! And I was in fact not surprised.

That's another thing about introverts. We are keen observers who rarely miss the subtle cues around us, such as someone talking a little too softly on the phone. So, I was not only miserable about going to the party, but now I felt the obligation to act surprised so my friend wouldn't be disappointed.

So, thanks to those who honored my desire for a quiet birthday, especially those who wanted to throw me a party but knew better. What finer gift than to be accepted and understood? What could feel more like love?

Moral of the story: if you want to help someone celebrate a special occasion, stop and walk around in their loafers. Especially if they are introverts. Help them celebrate in the way they would most desire it, not the way you think it should be done. They'll really be grateful.

Copyright 2007 starfishdoc

Bulb-Changing by Proxy

I had been seeing this teenager weekly for a few months, and frankly, we were getting nowhere. (Teenagers can be ornery when they are forced to get counseling.) Her parents and I agreed there were things she needed to change. As far as she was concerned, she was fine as is.

Then she announced she wasn't going to come anymore. So I asked her what she would do if her parents insisted. She said, "I'll just come and sit here for an hour and not say a word."

Every therapist gets the silent treatment sometimes. In fact, we call it the dental interview because it feels like pulling teeth. But this kid was planning to make a career out of it.

So I told her parents I wasn't going to see her anymore. Naturally, they were disappointed: they still had a difficult teenager on their hands.

So I suggested to them that the three of us meet without her, which we did. As a result, a miracle happened. She got better.

How could this be, you ask? Well, knowing that your parents are going off to discuss you once a week may make your ears burn. But I believe that it was the parents who needed to change in order to set things right with their daughter. They needed new parenting skills to increase their competence as parents and assert a more powerful influence over her.

This is basic systems theory. If one part of the family system changes (namely the parents), it forces a reaction in another part of the system (the adolescent). Moral of the story: If one part of the system resists change, work with the part that is open to it.

This approach is not limited to adolescents. It works for any relationship - spouse, friend, employer. If the problem person refuses to seek help, the person who is stuck with the fallout should. Just by learning new ways to relate to the problematic person, you can cause changes to occur.

There's the old joke that goes, "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change." Not true. Lots of great changes occur as a result of bulb-changing by proxy.

So if you are living with a lightbulb that won't change, make an appointment for yourself. You'll be glad you did. Just be prepared to do some of your own changing.


Copyright 2007 starfishdoc