I've been thinking lately about the word, "control." We toss that word around a lot. "You're trying to control me!" "She has control issues." "Have you got a control problem?" We tend to see it in strictly negative terms.
But there are different ways of looking at control. At one end there's abuse and domination. Seen in this light, there's nothing nice or good about control. But in the right context, control can have merit.
Consider the bonsai. If you've ever tried to raise one of these miniature trees you know what a challenge it is. You must attend to its roots, its trunk, its branches and leaves. You must give it just the right amount of sunlight. You must learn when to fertilize and when to water. And you need to know how much. And despite how you would like it to grow, it appears to have a direction all its own.
I've been told that some people consider the wiring of bonsai branches to be torturing the tree. On the contrary, this practice is essential to guiding the tree's proper growth. It's a loving form of control.
But there is a limit to the control you can exert on a bonsai. You cannot take a branch that wants to grow left, twist it, and wire it to go right. Rather, bonsai experts will tell you that you must study the tree and observe how it wants to grow. As Saburo Kato says, "you'll sense that the plant is trying to tell you something."
So healthy control has its limits. You cannot force a tree to grow in a direction it does not appear to want to grow. Rather, you can only shape the natural direction of the growth.
Nurturing a valued human relationship, be it with your children, your spouse, or a dear friend, is a lot like raising bonsai. You need to be open to what the relationship is trying to tell you about how it wants to grow. The control you employ must be in service of the direction the relationship naturally wants to take.
Copyright 2007 starfishdoc
4 comments:
I am not very good with plants, Stardoc, but I can certainly tell when they need watering or more sunlight. It's not so easy to tell with people when they need something to help them grow; it takes a much sharper eye. the older I get I realize that relationships are the only thing that really matters, especially the one with yourself. And control can mean of yourself when you are trying to relearn an old skill that has become important again, but is hard to do.
Anonymous,
I agree with what you say, especially about the sharper eye. We should make conscious efforts to develop it if we want our relationships to thrive.
this is awesome. thanks, doc.
Tana,
Thank you! And you're welcome!
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